Thinking.....

So many things going through my mind today. I am wondering how much more my daycare costs could be raised. It was bad enough as it was and here I am trying to figure out a way to have them taken care of just while I try and attend class. That is a headache it itself. Like school this semester is not bad enough. At least I am passing but I do think that 15 hours was alittle excessive. This will be the last semester of anything of the sort. Just too much with the kids and trying to keep up. i would like some sort of life besides just school, school, school. Also, there is the baby's dad who continues to try to strong-arm me after the fact that court just ended. He refuses to sign the papers. He insists that I meet him halfway after she turns 3 years old to pick up and drop her off. Ok but that is over a year away from now. After thinking it over, I should probably agree to meet halfway. I am a bit tired of going to court over such minor things. I will be sure to take him back if he does not complete counseling. These papers are only in affect if he completes counseling as it ordered anyway. She will have to go with him for the weekends if he completes the counseling. I don't know. My head feels so jumbled lately. I am having a hard time remembering things. I constantly have to put stuff into the calendar of my phone no matter how minor a detail it is. I am exhausted if you cannot absolutely tell. There have also been couple of funerals this week. I could not bring myself to attend one of them as it was going to be so very heartwrenching. Not near as much as for her mother and father though. That has me down and out also. I just know that I have to keep my head up and make it till May and then I can breathe. No more worrying about daycare (at least temporarily), kids will be out of school for the summer so they will not have homework, and not as many school hours for me. I just have to reamin above water. Pray for me.....

1st blog...........

So this is my first blog so patience may be required lol. I am sitting here as my little munchkin is playing in the bath thinking about things that have happened in the last year (hell even 2 or 3 years). I am beginnging to have a sense of normalcy since this last final court date with Kinslee's father. I had been in court a total of 3 years. 2 and half years with my exhusband and 6 months with the baby's dad. I can tell you I am very tired lol. All I want is for their fathers to be fathers and to ACT like fathers. I do not know why that is so difficult. One is not spending enough time with them and one is too wrapped up in his sexual addictions in front of children to actually care she is there at all. I am speaking from what I have personlly been through obviously. All I want to do is protect these kids and give them the best possible start. I am not worried about my exhusband. I think he will not deliberately put them in harm's way. I do not think he will choose a woman who would mistreat my kids, and if he accidentally did, I do believe when he became aware of this, he would kick her to the curb. My concern with him is not finding enough time to see them as of late. His priorities may be a bit jumbled lately, but I am not exactly concerned for their safety. As you know, that could change. Now the other, not so much. This is where my fears lay. I have seen him with his other children, and he has not shown much concern for them in the past. Not caring if they wake up in the middle of the night, caring mainly about his computer and the woman of the week he chose to have around them. When he has women around, he is very inappropriate in front of the kids with women. I am talking fondling, kissing, touching of gentials, etc. right in front of them. Talk about the fights we used to have about it. It was unreal. That can wait till the kids go to bed PERIOD. Anyway, the latest problem is this. We, as in the mothers of his children, are frightened that he will continue these things. I brought all of this up in court and the home study he had done one me. (which shot him in the foot I might add lol). This weekend he decided to bring a female around the kids once again, not that he was inappropriate from what the kids say, but that he threatened his daughter that if she told her mother, it will forever ruin his life and he would never trust her again. She is only 8 or 9 years old. CPS has been involved also, and no one is listening. He really is that manipulative and calls the kids liars. So therefore, he gets away with all he does. I am astounded that no one is listening to what is really happening. He claims we are all emotionally vindictive women and that is his only problem....chosing women like "us". Why is our only concern these kids then, not what he does when they are not around? Why can he not save these "things" he does for the days they are not with him? Is it really that difficult? He is a part-time dad. He has 2 weeks inbetween to "play". Sorry to get on my soapbox lol, but it was bound to come out sometime.